Answering Questions

I've noticed something interesting about the way my AD/HD guys (husband and son) answer questions. Their approach to conversation is sometimes a challenge for me, the mere "neurotypical" that I am. When I was first getting to know Scott, I would ask him questions to see how he thought and to learn more about him. I am pretty logical and sequential and so is my communication style. We didn't know back then that Scott had AD/HD because he wasn't diagnosed until after our son was and by then we were in our early 30's. So it puzzled me when I would ask Scott a question and he would answer by asking me a question. This was not a matter of repeating back what I'd asked for clarification purposes, but would be a different question that could change the course of the conversation. I might ask something like, "What was your favorite vacation while you were growing up?" Scott's response might be to ask, "Do you like to travel?" It wasn't a matter of Scott's evading the question, and there was still a connection with what I'd asked. It's just that his response didn't answer the question. Scott's amazing brain just works in a way that allows him to connect with one topic and from that topic quickly make connections with many related thoughts that shoot off like the spokes from the hub of a bicycle wheel - only probably not as organized and predictable as the spokes. If I really needed a definitive answer, I learned to come out and say, "You can't answer a question with a question." This forced Scott to slow down and give me something definitive to work with so we could reach some sort of conclusion. Often he would ask me out and have no plan in mind for what we would do. I didn't know him well enough yet to understand that he was tapped out in the planning category just by setting up an exact time to be with me. So he would pick me up, and I'd ask what he wanted to do. Then he would ask me what I wanted to do, etc. We have since learned how to communicate when I need specific information even though it still does not come naturally to Scott. I've noticed with my son, Josh, that he often doesn't answer a straightforward yes/no question with "yes" or "no". Today his dad asked him if he'd had enough pizza. Josh responded that he'd had five pieces. So, does that mean "YES, I've had enough," or "NO, I'm still hungry"? I've learned to communicate with Josh to narrow things down for him in very specific ways and eventually I can usually pull the answer out. Sometimes with Josh it's a matter of distractibility or making excuses rather than just saying "yes" or "no". For example, when asked if he liked a certain movie he might give you enough information that the answer is implied even though he doesn't come right out with it. Other times, I'm still unclear even after his response so I just have to try again and ask, "So does that mean you DID or DID NOT like it?" To me this way of communication seems like it would be much more work for Josh and Scott than just responding with a simple reply or an affirmative or negative response, but to them it is natural to answer questions in a more circuitous way. What comes naturally to us does not feel like hard work, and as long as it's working for us that's what we'll tend to do.

Hurry Up and Slow Down

Last week was standardized testing week for my daughter, Beckie, who is 16. My friend who is a certified teacher and fellow homeschooler administered the test to Beckie while I administered the test to her son. We have teamed up to do this for several years now, and although the test is different as the kids progress other things remain the same. For example, Beckie is impulsive and likes to do things quickly and get them over with so she can do something else. She is a "big picture" and "close enough" kind of kid. When careless mistakes are pointed out to her, she is quick to point to all her correct responses and as for the error? Well, she knows what the answer should be, and that should be good enough in her opinion. Her attitude tends toward, "Oh, well" and she quickly gets over it. My friend's son is very focused and meticulous about his test responses. He is detail-oriented and methodical. When told to "make your marks heavy and dark" on the bubble answer sheet, he does so with the result that the back of his scoring sheet has raised bumps that you can feel as you handle the paper. My friend and I teach our children the usual test-taking strategies: read the directions carefully, eliminate wrong answers to narrow down your choices, skip hard questions and come back to them if you have time, if you have time left at the end of a section go back and review your answers, and so on. Both of us still feel that these are good test-taking strategies, so we review them every year prior to testing. Our children can parrot the strategies back to us because by now they have them memorized. Yet every year during the test, we find ourselves telling my friend's son to hurry up a bit so he will finish a section before time runs out. Then we tell Beckie to slow down and take her time. And every year Beckie finishes every section early, and her friend is working through the final minute to complete his section. My friend urges, exhorts, and begs Beckie to go back over her work in the time remaining and make sure she has not missed any important detail. Since Beckie reads at a rapid rate, I worry that she will skim over a small word like "not" and won't realize that she missed a vital piece of information. Gentle reminders prior to each subtest result in Beckie's demanding question, "Do you think I'm dumb or something?" I also don't want her upset while she's taking a test, since strong emotions can also interfere with her performance. The "Hurry Up" friend and the "Slow Down" Beckie both completed all the sections on their test within the time limits given. The scoring sheets have been mailed in and it will be a few weeks before we get the results. I anticipate that my friend's son will do very well as he has in years past. Beckie will probably be okay with her test results, and will tell me "I told you I did well" to further her case for proceeding with her own method of test taking. Stay tuned!

Just got back from the TLC meeting in Mansfield. Special thanks to Ken & Grace Johnson for inviting us to speak. Our one remaining home-schooler is 16 years old; it has been quite some time since we have been involved in a HS Support Group. Tonight I saw just how much such a group can help a family with struggling learners. While not everyone can relate or empathize with having a distractible child, I was pleased to see that everyone was listening attentively - I believe with the purpose of gaining better understanding. Hopefully there was content for everyone.

Thanks to all our new friends for a warm reception.

If You Are In These Areas, Come Say Hello!

Conference Appearances
Tonight I will be in Mansfield, Ohio presenting "Helping the Distractible Child" to a homeschool support group at The Bookery. This Thursday through Saturday, April 16th - 18th, I will be speaking at the Midwest Homeschool Convention in Cincinnati. To see my workshop topics check out http://www.cincinnatihomeschoolconvention.com/ and then it's off to Missouri where I will be presenting workshops at the Southwest Home Education Ministry (SHEM) Home Education Convention at the Springfield Expo Center on April 23rd through April 25th. In May, I will be at the Heads Up! booth at the Christian Homeschool Association of Pennsylvania (CHAP) convention from May 7th through May 9th. I will be presenting workshops for the Information Network for Christian Homes (INCH) in Lansing Michigan on May 15th and 16th. Please stop by the Heads Up! booth and say hello! I would love to meet you in person.

For those of you who won't be at any of these gatherings, as well as those who do plan to attend them, I'd appreciate your prayers. I am currently in week six of moderate-severe headaches that are not responding to treatment. Since last week I also seem to have a sinus and lung infection, and am seeing another doctor about that tomorrow. My doctor has decided I need a CT scan of my sinuses, but it will be a challenge to fit one in around the conference schedules for the next several weeks. I truly desire to help as many people as I can and to let God use my experiences (the good, the bad, and the ugly!) for the benefit of others. Please pray for relief from the headache pain and for healing, energy, and endurance for me at the conferences. I will be doing a lot of talking, and lately my vocal resonance has been off and I am coughing quite a bit. I'm also afraid that the ongoing headache pain is making me a bit kooky. So then I wonder if I lose cognitive functioning, will I even know it?!? And so I pray some more and solicit your prayers as well.

Love Your Peter Rabbit

Today's post has been inspired by The Tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter. Before I had children of my own, I was of the opinion that Peter Rabbit was kind of a brat. He didn't listen to his mother, got himself into trouble, lost articles of clothing, and left messes for someone else to clean up. Then I had my own "Peter Rabbit" kind of child. With my highly impulsive son, I saw similarities with the little rabbit who didn't listen and got into preventable and unfortunate situations on a regular basis. Even my daughter who is 15 months younger than my son recognized at an early age some unfortunate parallels from the Peter Rabbit story and our own family. Being the compliant, "neurotypical" child, she identified with Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cotton-tail, who are described as "good little bunnies" who follow directions and do what they are supposed to do. As a side note, if all of my children had been like Beth, I would probably be giving parenting workshops at conferences instead of the topics I currently present for struggling learners. I also have a sinking feeling I would be judging all the parents with kids like mine! So God spared me from myself by humbling me with my challenges. In The Tale of Peter Rabbit when I would get to the line, "But Peter, who was very naughty, ran straight away to Mr. McGregor's garden, and squeezed under the gate!", Beth would say, "Just like Josh, right?" At this point, Josh would sigh, but I think he was secretly rooting for Peter to somehow be able to get away with it this time. Now, before we judge little Peter Rabbit too harshly, let's consider a few factors that may be in play in his situation. Peter may have inherited a tendency for some of his behaviors, since we are told his father "had an accident" in the very garden Peter ran to as soon as his mother left for her errands. Plus, there is mention of a cousin who apparently has had a run-in with cats. There is a family history implied here. Now, consider the lack of strategies throughout this scenario. Did his mother get his attention before giving her instructions? No. Aren't her directions long and wordy, making it more difficult to process them? Yes. She didn't have Peter repeat back what he'd heard to make sure he understood it. Even her parting words, "Now run along and don't get into mischief" seems almost like an expectation of trouble to come and puts a negative tone on the situation. Peter may have stopped listening after "Now run along...". All things considered, it doesn't sound like a good idea to leave Peter alone! How irresponsible of Mrs. Rabbit, come to think of it. Her approach works with her other bunnies, but Peter clearly needs more support. So now I've gone full circle from thinking Peter is a brat to defending him, and I know it's because I've felt protective of my oft-misjudged son. At the end of the story, when Peter makes his way home and is dosed with medicine and sent to bed, his sisters get to have a treat of bread and milk and blackberries for supper. The "good little bunnies" get the reward. My pre-Josh attitude was "Serves Peter right! He made bad choices and maybe this will help him learn to do what he's told next time." Now, I think if I were Mrs. Rabbit I would hold back some of the yummy blackberries to make sure Peter got to have some when he was feeling better the next day. And as he was eating them, we would talk together about what had happened and how to do things differently in the future. I would reassure him that I loved him just as much as I loved his sisters, and tell him he was every bit as special as they are to me. My advice is, if you have little Peter Rabbits in your life, love them. Support them. Teach them. Teach them again when they forget. And when people give you a look or misunderstand your child, remember that they are probably not blessed with a Peter Rabbit of their own and don't understand because they haven't experienced what you have. And then love your Peter Rabbit some more.

He Wears The Chain

My son has never had a good internal sense of time passing. When I said it was time to work on a certain subject, my son always wanted to know how long it would take and how much more work we had for the day. He also is forgetful and inattentive, so even though the answers rarely varied he asked the same questions daily because he didn't remember from one day to the next. I thought it might help if I gave him a visual and tactile depiction to represent what we needed to accomplish for school each day. I found some interlocking links and selected one link to represent each school task for the day. I told Josh he could remove one link each time he completed a subject. That way, he could see and touch a visual representation of how much more schoolwork he needed to complete. I thought he might even become more motivated when he saw the chain getting shorter as the day went on. One day, Josh was having a particularly "off" day. We all have off days, but when my struggling learner has an off day, it's really OFF. Josh just couldn't seem to focus or sustain his attention to anything. By the end of the day, he had draped the links around his shoulders to help himself remember what he was supposed to be working on. All I could think of was Marley's ghost from Dicken's The Christmas Carol when Scrooge asks about the chains Marley has and the reply is "I wear the chains I forged in life." Poor Josh! He looked like he was wearing the chains he forged during the school day, and that was just for one day. Imagine if we carried over all the unfinished links to the next day and the next. Soon, Josh would buckle under the weight of so many unfinished tasks. We had to start each day fresh. I am reminded of the Bible verse in Lamentations 3:23,23 "The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness." Each day is a new day, with new challenges and opportunities. Let's try to help our kids without dragging any chains from unfulfilled tasks from the past and focus on each new day as a chance to try again.

Use Fixations To Make Learning Easier

Research has shown that strong emotions make memories stronger. Likewise, if you can connect something familiar and chain it to new information it will be better understood and more likely to be retained. For a child with Asperger's or any child who has a particular area of interest, you are probably finding ways to tie the interest to many areas of learning already. If a child is fascinated by Thomas the Tank Engine (and there's something about that train that especially appeals to many on the autism spectrum) then you could use train cars to represent the components of a multi-step direction. The train cars could be used as manipulatives in math, or to demonstrate how to connect ideas in a writing assignment. For a child with a short attention span who's always asking you how much schoolwork is left to do, the train could have a car to represent each subject and as the subject is concluded the car is removed so the train gets visibly smaller as progress is made throughout the day. As an added bonus, your child won't have to keep asking you if they are finished for the day since a glance at the train will tell them the answer. A train could be used to represent minutes earned on the computer, for example, so each car earned for a desired behavior equals five minutes of computer time. If you can't figure out how to use your child's areas of interest, ask your child for ideas. It's likely that they can come up with something and you can tweak the ideas to find something that will work satisfactorily for both of you. As with any new strategy, you will need to give it some time to see if it's helpful. Once you get past the novelty stage you will have a better idea of how to enact your plan. Keep in mind that children with learning challenges perform inconsistently from day to day - even minute to minute on the off days, so what works one day may not work the next. In a week or month it may work again. Not all children have a particular interest area. Some, on the other hand, are downright obsessed. This fixation may change from one thing to another in phases, or it may be lasting. Your child will show you, over and over, what they like and are seeking. The general strategy of using what the child is interested in will stay the same. Some people are hesitant to encourage their child's passion about a given topic, and that's understandable. Yet with many less-desirable behaviors we can't merely remove them or they will just be replaced by something else. My own son has always been fascinated by weapons. Of course I'm not going to look for ways to include that in our school studies or incorporate weapons as reinforcers no matter how engaging that would be for him. Since he also hyper-focused on Legos we could use those. Try to think creatively and be more flexible than your teacher's manual instructions. If you know there is something that will engage your child, try to think of a way to use it. When my daughters went through their "Pretty Pony" phase or the "Teeny Beanie" era they were included in many academic realms. Now my girls are beyond that phase, but I'll fondly remember teaching them as they included their ponies and encouraged them to boldy go where few Pretty Ponies had gone before.

Memory Problems? Make A Movie In Your Mind

Do you have a child who can tell you (in great detail) about a movie he saw months ago, but can't remember what it was that you sent him to get from his room? Can your child quote lines from a movie she's seen one time, but can't recall what you just told her to do? Hmmm... I don't think I'm the only one with kids like this! For whatever reason, my struggling learners are wired to remember what they see in movies but struggle to retain auditory information long enough to act on it before it evaporates. And that's assuming they were actually listening in the first place. So, I suggest taking advantage of this stronger visual recall by pairing visual cues with auditory cues when giving directions. For example, if you send your child to get a pair of scissors, make cutting motions with your fingers as you tell them to go get the scissors. Okay, that may not be the best example since with our kids we also have to bombard them with various safety reminders and we certainly don't want to act out what might happen if one runs with scissors. But you get the idea. Another technique that is especially effective with our creative and drama-loving children is to teach them to "Make a movie in your mind". Tell your child to picture himself doing what you have asked, and encourage him to make his mental movie in color and with details. The more detailed the movie, the better the chances of recall. I'd tell my children that I was going to give them some instructions, and to make a movie to visualize themselves doing the tasks. Usually if I told my kids three things to do they would not remember all three things. Besides the working memory issues, they would get distracted along the way and lessen the likelihood of recall even more. With the movie technique, they could stop and mentally "watch" the movie again to remember what they had been assigned and picture themselves performing the tasks. In the movie, they could see themselves doing what they needed to and could check to see if they were missing anything. It took some practice, but this strategy made a huge difference for my kids. They went from being able to follow one simple direction at a time to being able to follow multi-step instructions. Just as athletes can improve their performances by visualizing themselves doing things correctly, our struggling students can improve their recall by taking advantage of their visual and creativity strengths.

Jesus and My Parenting Skills

Yesterday was one of those gray, rainy days. As Beckie and I were finishing up our schoolwork for the day, the phone rang. We typically don't answer the phone during school time, so Beckie checked the answering machine when she went downstairs a few minutes later. There was a message that her usual ride to her part-time job at the martial arts school was unavailable, so Beckie needed to make other arrangements. It had stopped raining by then, but was still very wet and it looked like the rain could start up again at any time. Beckie called out to me, "I need a ride to work." Since it wasn't a direct request to me, I playfully called back, "I hope you find one." Here's how it went from there:
Beckie: "Mom!"
Mom: "I hope you find a ride with a really safe driver."
Beckie: "M0-0m!" (Pretty sure there was an eye roll here, but couldn't see her from where I was)
Mom: "It stopped raining. You could probably walk."
Beckie: "Mom. There's no one else here to get a ride from."
Mom: (speaking with benevolent wisdom) "If Jesus were here on earth right now and had a car, I'm sure He would give you a ride."
Beckie: (Seeing her opportunity, with a huge grin and without a moment's hesitation) "If Jesus were here right now, He would be disappointed in your parenting skills for not giving your daughter a ride when she needs one!"
Geesh! I certainly don't want Jesus disappointed in my parenting skills! Although I know there are far worse things He could be disappointed about, here at least was something preventable. Beckie knew I would be giving her a ride, and that I was playing with her, but it made me wonder how many times she has thought the same thing but didn't mention it to me. I bet she's even prayed to complain about me a time or two! Next time you are giving your children a ride somewhere and you're tired and busy and have a lot on your mind, you can comfort yourself with the thought that at least in this Jesus won't be disappointed in your parenting skills!

Do Your Kids Hate Tests?

Some students hear the word "test" and have an immediate negative reaction. They may feel physical symptoms including headaches, stomachaches, general tension, and more. Many students undergo a change resulting in irritability, angry outbursts, and surly speech that is not (hopefully) typical behavior for them. Many of us who are adults now can recall similar reactions we had in childhood when we learned there would be a test. As one who prayed during every quiz and exam I had since the time I became a Christian in college, I understand the anxiety that even the thought of a test can evoke. Since I homeschooled my children, I didn't think they would experience test anxiety. Somehow, possibly through hearing other children's experiences with testing, they began to view evaluations as a negative factor in their schooling. Timed speed tests can cause a different type of reaction than competency tests, so I'll save that for another day's post. I set out to help my kids recognize testing as a part of the educational experience. I wanted them to recognize that testing was unavoidable to some degree, but I didn't want them to be intimidated or fearful about it. Basically, I wanted to help them make a mental paradigm shift in their thinking about testing. The first change I made was to use the words "test", "quiz", and "exam" frequently throughout the school day. Used often and for small tests as well as lengthier ones, the words helped desensitize the students' reactions and become common occurrences. I didn't save tests until Friday, but rather offered them on different days so there would be no conditioning to dread a certain day because it meant there would be a test then. I also concluded some of our informal question and answer sessions by telling the kids they had just completed an oral examination. I explained that I viewed tests as one of many ways they could show me what they had learned. I shared my belief that the exams helped me determine what I needed to review or emphasize more, and it was a reflection not just of their learning but of my success in teaching them. I also told them that the nature of a test is to sample learning, but it cannot possibly reveal all that a student does or does not know. It is a tool to help measure knowledge, but it can only offer a glimpse of information about the student as a person. I told my kids stories of people who are very bright but don't do well taking tests. We read biographies of incredible adults who had not done well in traditional school settings. For the first few years of homeschooling, I had a certified teacher do a portfolio review to assess my children's work. By the time my Josh and Beth were in third grade, I thought they were ready to take a standardized test. Still, I wasn't sure how distracting a large group setting would be, and since I wanted accurate results I hired a teacher to come to my home and administer the test. I had talked to my kids about the test, and they were a bit nervous but felt prepared. After only the second or third subtest, things started to unravel. The teacher had forgotten to bring answer sheets so she had given the kids lined notebook paper to write their answers on. Using a testing strategy I had taught her, Beth had skipped a difficult math problem with the intention of returning to it if she had time left after answering the remaining questions. Unfortunately, being a new test taker and not having the regular answer sheet with the "fill-in-the-bubble" option we had practiced, Beth had not skipped a line on her notebook paper responses. She didn't realize that nearly all of her answers were on the wrong line until she had finished the section and wanted to go back to the problem she skipped. By then, time was almost up and she realized she could not correct everything in time. She cried with frustration and despair because she thought that all her hard work was for nothing and now she would not pass third grade and would have to do it all again the next year. Josh became quite upset seeing his sister so distressed, and I came in to try and calm them down and reassure them that we would figure out which line should have been skipped and grade accordingly. The teacher I had hired offered to quit the testing right then. She suggested that another year of portfolio reviews might be in order. I knew, though, that it was critical that my kids finish that test. Not because of the test itself, but because this was their first experience with a standardized test administered by someone other than myself. If we had stopped at that point, I am positive they would have believed they had failed and were not capable of doing well on a test. I couldn't let that happen! If I had stopped at that point, they would have been extremely resistant to any testing in the future. That one experience was all they had, and I determined that they would not end it at such a disheartening point. So we took a snack break and I persuaded my children (and the teacher I had hired) that we were going to finish the test and that I believed everyone could do it. After about 20 minutes (which is what the brain needs to reabsorb all the chemicals released in a meltdown, by the way) the kids settled down to the next subtest. They were able to finish the test, and my children and the teacher all appeared relieved but significantly more relaxed. When the results came back a few weeks later, they had done just fine. I think this was a key experience that could have greatly increased the natural aversion to testing, but we didn't allow that to happen. We have to do what we can to keep the dread of tests from looming over our kids while allowing them to provide us with some information about our students. If we keep our perspective about testing in balance, we can help our children to do the same.

Geese!

Today I was driving home from church with my two AD/HD offspring, Josh and Beckie. Sometimes we think of them as twins who happen to be five years apart in age, because they are so similar in so many ways. There's no missing the physical resemblance, but at times it seems like they have some sort of brain connection that only the two of them share. With Josh riding in the back seat and Beckie riding shotgun next to me, we were enjoying some mild spring weather and long-awaited sunshine. As I pulled to a stop for a red light, suddenly and in unison at the top of their voices Josh and Beckie yelled "Geese!" At first I thought this must be an inside joke from a movie or video game, to yell "Geese!" at a traffic light or something. Beckie was looking out her window, and I saw a pair of geese in the grass nearby. Josh was looking in the opposite direction, where another set of geese waddled through the grass. I asked them why they yelled "Geese!", wanting to be in on the joke. But that, I guess, was another joke on me because there was no story behind this particular choral outburst. Although they weren't looking in the same direction, they both saw geese at the same time and were calling out to inform the other. Since it's not typical to see geese within our city limits it's kind of the city kid version of a wildlife spotting. For some reason known only to their brains, it made more sense to yell out the single word than to make a comment in the form of a full sentence such as, "There are some geese in the grass over here." When further conversation helped me realize that this was not related to any previously shared experience, but that both of their brains had them shout "Geese" at exactly the same time, Josh and Beckie just laughed and couldn't really explain it. Fortunately, with each other, they don't have to explain.

Show That Can Opener Who's Boss!

I think it's important to teach my kids life skills in addition to academics. I have taught them how to do laundry and iron their clothes. They have basic cleaning skills, although admittedly they don't apply them nearly often enough. They know how to cook and have learned the basics of measuring, mixing, reading directions, and using the stove or oven. Each of my three children has a recipe box. The box contains recipes they know how to make or hope to learn how to prepare. Over time, the number of recipes increases. My plan is to have a recipe box with many of their favorite meal items written on recipe cards for them to take with them when they live on their own. I'm sure they will still call me with questions from time to time, but that's fine. I just want them to have the basics mastered and they can expand their cooking skills from there. When I have my kids make a recipe for the first time, I coach them through it. I'll do portions of the preparation to demonstrate certain aspects and have them do part of the preparation so we can work closely together. The next time we make that recipe, I have them do all the preparation while I stand nearby to provide clarification or reminders. The third time they prepare the recipe, I take a more passive role and may even go to an adjoining room. I'm still within earshot but they are learning to prepare the item independently. Once, while working with Beckie, we needed to open a can. Our can opener can be touchy, and sometimes I have to manually wiggle the sharp blade into place. It works, but the can has to be aligned just so. Since I gave the manual can opener to my daughter to use at college, the electric one is our only option. I made sure the can opener blade was in position and handed Beckie the can to open. She had trouble getting it to line up, and the can opener made a few whirring sounds without coming into contact with the lid. I encouraged Beckie to keep making adjustments until the position worked, but she quickly became frustrated and wanted me to do it for her. I knew she could do it with a bit of practicing to learn our can opener's idiosyncrasies, so I told her she shouldn't give up so easily. "You just have to show that can opener who the boss is, Beckie! Don't let it win!" Beckie answered immediately with, "I tried that already, Mom. I told the can opener I was the boss and it had to do what I said. But it said, 'Then I quit! So you're not the boss of me anymore!' so I can't make it do what I want." Well. What is one to do with such a recalcitrant can opener? I decided a compromise was appropriate under the circumstances, so I got the opening started and had Beckie hold the can and finish opening it. You have to show the can opener who's boss, even if it takes two of you to do it! Also, I think they can smell fear, just like copy machines that are prone to paper jams, so try to stay calm and present a brave face.

Hey! That's MY Underwear!

There are some things you just don't want to hear your kids say, especially in the presence of relatives who are seen infrequently. As graduation parties are already being planned, it brought back a memory of my niece's graduation from high school. My sister and sister-in-law are both teachers in public schools, so it would be nice if my home-schooled sweeties made a good impression when they see their Aunts and other kin. My niece's graduation party included grandparents, cousins, relatives and friends, and we drove to their hometown to be a part of the festivities. My kids were thrilled to discover that in addition to massive quantities of food there was also a trampoline set up in the backyard. It wasn't long before all three of my kids were headed for some jumping fun. They had a blast! I took pictures, and got some nice action shots. They thought of different jump moves to try and wanted me to capture every single moment with my camera. I should probably mention that I had the kids dressed up a bit for the occasion. Beckie was in a dress and Beth was in a skirt. They were jumping artfully while maintaining their modesty, and everything seemed fine until they both jumped at the same time and bonked their heads together. They both fell backwards while holding their heads, and Beckie's dress got flipped up a bit when she flopped onto her back. Beth, recovering first from the head bump, suddenly forgot about her injury when she made her discovery and subsequent announcement of, "Hey! That's MY underwear!" Beckie, quickly feigning underwear amnesia, weakly asked, "It is?" with such an air of innocence that most people would have found her believable. Big sister Beth is not most people, however, and she wasn't buying it. After a few increasingly heated accusations and denials culminating in an apology from Beckie, I jumped in with "Don't take it off! Beth, she's just going to have to wear them until we get back home." While Josh and I were recovering from laughing so hard at Beth's first declaration of underwear ownership, I suddenly had the horrifying thought that Beth just might demand that Beckie return the underwear immediately, and the more horrifying thought that Beckie would actually do it to keep the peace with Beth. Wow! Now wouldn't that impress all the relatives? I can almost hear the chatter in the background... Isn't it quaint how the homeschooled children negotiate with each other? Do you think all homeschoolers share underwear with their siblings? I wonder if they'll get a special pair if they go to a prom? Probably they make their own underwear anyway...

Writing It Down Would Work Better

Today's blog is a message of hope for all of you with distractible, inattentive, and forgetful children. It may also, in a way, be making a case for attempted brain washing used totally in the sense of "for the greater good." I'll let you decide. Yesterday my daughter Beckie and I were talking about things that needed to be done. Beckie has ongoing issues with managing her schedule and her possessions. She usually gets places on time, but often leaves out food that needs refrigerated and leaves other unfinished tasks that are sacrificed in order for her to get where she needs to be at the right time. She always thinks that she'll have enough time, or can get "one more thing" done before she has to go. Like many distractible individuals, she loses track of time and rushes out the door at the last minute leaving a trail of partially completed chores in her wake. Yesterday, I was reminding her of something she needed to do, and she was reminding me that she never remembers it at the right time when she could actually do it. I had just been working with her on history, having her visualize events so that she could recall them later. So I said, "Put it in your brain," meaning that she should visualize herself doing the job. Beckie's immediate response was, "Writing it down would work better." Whoa! Isn't that exactly what I'd been telling her for years? Just for kicks, I asked her to repeat what she'd said. She repeated her statement about writing it down, which thrilled me and gave me hope. I've probably told her that thousands of times over the years, but this is honestly the first time I've heard it come back from her own lips. Maybe, just maybe, all the things we say to our kids sink in. It's possible that with enough repetition, our oft-repeated bits of wisdom gradually ease their way into our children's long-term memory where it serves them when we are not physically there to prompt and remind. Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I must say that this will probably not become a habit for some time. I've found that my non-AD/HD child can learn a new rule or skill in about a third of the time it takes my AD/HD children. The AD/HD kids need a lot more repetition and practice, along with more direct supervision and support along the way. But we can't let that minimize the successes we do see, even if they are longer in coming. As I've mentioned, I have been nagging (I mean "coaching") Beckie to write things down on the calendar when she has something planned. When she mentions an event to me, I prompt her to write it on the calendar so she won't forget and we can all see what is planned on any given day. I also have a dry-erase board by the phone, and about 40% of the time she remembers to write down when someone has called for me. This may not seem impressive, but we are up from 0% of the time so it is an improvement. She also writes things down on the calendar, but again we are not up to 100%. Not yet. But we are making progress, and sometimes the natural consequences of not writing things down increases the incentive to remember to do so in the future. For example, last weekend Beckie had remembered to write down her evening babysitting job. Then in the afternoon she got a phone call from a friend about a birthday party they were going to that night. Oops! Since it was not on the calendar and all the planning had been done between Beckie and her friends, I knew nothing about it. What followed was much scrambling around to get a gift, card, arrange transportation with her Dad and to let her friend know they would have to leave the party early to get back for Beckie's babysitting job. In Beckie's unreliable memory, the party was the following weekend. This made the case for writing things down on the calendar better than any of my theoretical examples could. So when I heard those sweet words, "Writing it down would work better", I felt like perhaps I can help my child develop strategies that will serve her throughout her life. For her sake, I hope so.

Only One Shoe

Think for a minute about taking your shoes off. Some of us remove our foot attire as soon as we enter our homes. Others may leave them on all day until bedtime. But as you picture yourself taking your shoes off, I'd like you to think about whether you take one off followed by the other in quick succession, or just kick off one shoe and walk around with the other for awhile and then slip off the remaining shoe. Although I've never seen anyone have a significant time lag between removing the left and right shoes, that's the only explanation I can come up with for why my children can only find one shoe. Personally, I always remove my shoes together and almost always put them - together - in the same place. I can usually find my shoes, but if I've misplaced them I've always lost both shoes not just one. My children have repeatedly been able to find only one shoe, usually when we are in a hurry to get out the door to an appointment. We have a designated spot for shoes when they are not being worn, and usually ONE shoe would be there. When the dog was a puppy, I thought maybe he was running off with them. But after his puppy year he really wasn't interested in shoes anymore and stuck to his own toys for the most part. I can imagine my children beginning to take off their shoes but then getting distracted after the first one and bounding off until it registers that they still have a shoe on, so they remove it wherever they happen to be. The children are usually baffled as well. Josh, who is my only son, would stand with one shoe in his hand and announce that "Someone took my other shoe." Since his shoes did not fit any other family member, it did not make sense that any of us took his shoe. Is it possible to go sleep walking and hide shoes ( or should I say "shoe") while being totally unaware of doing so? That seems about as feasible as taking off each shoe at a different time and location. Perhaps that's just another reason that the sports my kids were involved with were a good match for them. Swimming and martial arts are done barefoot!

Ask First - Purr, Ya Varmint!

Children with AD/HD are often impulsive. Sometimes, this adds to their charm as they blurt out amusing observations and thoughts. Other times, it gets them in trouble as they...blurt out their observations and thoughts! One positive aspect of impulsivity is that I rarely have to wonder how my daughter feels or what she really thinks about things. Especially when she was in the preschool and elementary years, I rarely had to ask for her opinion because she made it readily apparent. Actually, I do want to know what my children think and how they are feeling but with Beckie I didn't usually have enough time to ask before she was announcing her thoughts to all within earshot. Some of the "This could get you in trouble" (and hopefully also teachable) moments happened with regularity. Beckie was an avid reader and a very verbal child, and frequently she would use words she'd heard or read without knowing what they meant. Sometimes I could tell when she was trying out a word she'd read by the way she pronounced it such as when she used the phonetic pronunciation of the word "ballet". Other times, she just picked up words from various sources and tried them out. When we got our kitten, Wesley, she was eager to hear him purr. Beckie held him in her arms, stroking his fur and crooning to him, "Purr, ya varmint!" This was immediately followed by, "What's a varmint?" My refrain became, "Ask first, then try out the word if it's appropriate for what you're trying to say." Then I would tell her what the word meant. Beckie has gotten better at suppressing her impulsive tendency to say whatever she is thinking, though it still happens sometimes. In a way, I miss hearing her developing her vocabulary by trying out new words on me.

Listening Skills

Two of my children have difficulties with auditory processing, attention, and working memory. I have been working on their listening skills for most of their lives. I officially started "speech therapy" activities with Josh when he was 2 years old, although as a speech/language pathologist I was basically using communication strategies with him since birth. (Ah, the joys of being the firstborn, right?) By the time Beckie came along five years later I was basically incorporating therapy techniques throughout our daily activities. Whereas my daughter Beth would listen and respond the first time I said something, the other two often seemed to tune out or mis-hear what I'd said. (This happens with my husband as well, but I never approached him about working on it!) We did many activities together over the years to address the auditory processing difficulties, but one of our favorites was to read a familiar story together but alter it as we went along. I would begin the story, but change a key feature to see if the children were listening and paying attention. For example, I'd start out reading the traditional story of the Three Little Pigs, but when the wolf came to the door I'd have him huff and puff and threaten to take all their macaroni and cheese. The children would giggle and tell me that wasn't what happened, and then we worked on oral language expression as they told me how the story should go. We did similar activities with flannel board stories, and I would deliberately change the story and put the flannel pieces on out of order to see if the children noticed. Sometimes the changes to the story were subtle, and other times illogical to help the children develop their ability to sequence events and make logical predictions. Another favorite activity was to listen to recorded stories. The children liked following along with the audio books and turning the page when they heard the beep, but I also had them listen to stories that did not have books accompanying them. That way, they had to just tune in to the auditory piece and visualize what they were hearing without visual cues to rely on. The ability to visualize is important to reading comprehension and was a fun way to work on auditory skills. Just be sure to listen to the recording yourself, first, to make sure the narrator is animated and interesting to listen to or your child may become bored and tune it out. I enjoy listening to audio books as I do various tasks, and I know firsthand that having a good narrator is key to enjoyment and the ability to attend to what's being said. For young children or those with a short attention span, a collection of short stories might be best. Older students, even those who can read by themselves, may enjoy an entire audio book. To check comprehension, stop the recording periodically and ask a few questions. I always asked my kids how they pictured different characters and what they might look like. The more details that children visualize, the better the chances that they will remember what they've heard.

Of Ferrets and Men

Back when Josh was in high school, we studied Steinbeck's novelOf Mice and Men. It was a bittersweet portrayal of the friendship between two men named George and Lennie. Lennie is a large man with a mental disability who is very devoted to George and dependent on him for guidance. Although others consider Lennie to be limited in most capacities, he proves himself to be a strong and tireless worker for even the hardest of manual labor jobs. Lennie likes to touch things, and has a love for petting small, furry animals. He dreams of one day living in a house with George and tending rabbits. Lennie is a big guy with a soft spot for little animals, who is only appreciated by those around him for his ability to utilize his size and strength as he works alongside George. After Josh and his sister, Beth, finished the book we discussed the plot and concluded that literature unit. It was a month or so after that when Josh told me he identified with Lennie. My son is a big guy, 6'3" now and was probably over 6' at the time. His shoulders are broad and with his AD/HD he has always had more energy than most. His learning disabilities have caused some people to conclude that he just isn't that bright though he comes in handy for reaching things up high and for carrying heavy loads. As Beth pointed out, Josh is really smart but he just doesn't have the kind of smart that shows up very well. In any case, it saddened me to see the similarities that Josh recognized between Lennie and himself. Josh also works a job that requires a lot of manual labor, and, like Lennie, he loves animals. We have three pets that he dutifully helps tend to, and he volunteers with the cats at our local humane society. He adopted an abandoned ferret from the humane society, and with all the animals he has been gentle and attentive. His ferret, Tabitha, had been abandoned in an apartment closet when the previous owners moved out. When Josh got her, she was an adult of undetermined age and he had gone out and bought all the supplies needed to care for her. He had sole responsibility for his pet, so when she got sick we found a vet who treated small pets. Josh found out that Tabitha was having seizures, and he had to give her medicine twice a day. The medicine needed refrigeration, so Josh bought a small refrigerator to keep in his room near her cage. Tabitha quickly learned to turn her head away from the medicine syringe and to clamp her furry ferret lips closed, but Josh never grew impatient with her. He talked to her and persisted until he got the medicine she needed into her. Despite this care, Tabitha developed new health problems, and Josh made several more trips to the vet. Tabitha was losing fur, was having seizures, needed medicines to counteract the side effects of the other medicines, and was often up during the night disturbing Josh's sleep. Through all of this, Josh never complained, but continued to buy the medicines and special food the vet recommended. He crooned to Tabitha and held her, telling her she was still cute despite having lost most of her fur. Last week, Tabitha was in obvious pain and returned to the vet to see if she could be helped but to no avail. She died on Sunday, and Josh was not surprised but was saddened to lose his Tabitha. We don't know how old she was, but Josh had been her owner for the last couple years. He brought her home to bury her, and I watched out the window as my big, strong son carefully tended to his ferret for the last time.

Alternative Literature Assessment

Beckie and I finished reading Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and I wanted to give her a non-traditional assignment in addition to traditional assessment measures. So I went through two week's worth of advertisements from the Sunday newspaper and cut out pictures that could be tied in somehow to a line from the play. For example, I used a picture from an ad for Glade air freshener and paired it with this line from Act 4, Scene 3 when Juliet says, "Shall I not then be stifled in the vault, to whose foul mouth no healthsome air breathes in, and there die strangled ere my Romeo comes?" Beckie's assignment was to tell me the context for the line. The pictures were not in a sequential order, and Beckie surprised herself with her ability to remember details from the play. Her favorite quote was paired with a picture of Yoplait Go-gurt with large letters proclaiming "With calcium for STRONG BONES!" and Juliet's line again from Act 4, Scene 3 asking "And, in this rage, with some great kinsman's bone, as with a club, dash out my desperate brains?" I chuckled at the picture from the Hamburger Helper ad with the friendly little hand for Act 5, Scene 3 when the feuding families are reconciling and Capulet says, "O brother Mountague, give me thy hand." Beckie had fun with that part of the assessment, and also wrote an essay response and took a multiple choice test. Those were the three components for her final exam on Romeo and Juliet. Just for fun we also watched a movie version, and I found a "Shakespeare Manga Romeo and Juliet" in graphic novel form at the library. Manga is a Japanese art form, I think, and this one portrayed the story as taking place in Japan with the two main families being rival mafia families. Now that Beckie has the idea of using pictures from ads as part of her assessment, she can find the pictures herself for the next time we want to use that option as part of an assessment.

I'll Remember to Forget

Josh and I find ourselves in a new stage of our relationship as mother and son. I am now middle-aged and he is a young adult. My goal, as always, is to encourage Josh to greater independence in his use of strategies to help his weak executive functions. His goal is to use me as his favorite strategy, since Mom can be counted on to have a suggested solution she has already thought of and thus save him the work of coming up with a strategy on his own. Add to that dynamic the demands I have on my brain to work as a speech therapist, run a small business with my husband, homeschool Josh's youngest sister, participate in church and volunteer activities, and keep track of appointments, etc. and I find myself feeling challenged to remember everything I need to keep track of. Usually, when I think of something I need to remember I write it down in my planner or on my calendar so I have a written reminder and don't have to retain it in my memory alone. At this point, I think if I want to try and remember something new I will need to delete some files in my brain to make room. So when Josh and I were driving together on our way to volunteer at our local Humane Society last week, I remembered something I needed to do later that day. Since I was driving, I couldn't write it down. I also sometimes call home and leave myself a message on the answering machine for later, but this particular day my daughter Beckie was home and would recognize my number and answer the phone. Since I didn't want to have to prompt her through writing down a detailed message, I opted to try and solicit help from Josh. I explained that I needed to remember to do something when we got back home, and asked him to remind me of it when we returned home so I could take care of it. He grinned at me and said, "O.k., Mom, I'll remember to forget that, too!" So, just as I want to discourage Josh from using me as his default strategy to remember things he needs to do, I clearly cannot plan on having Josh as part of my own bank of strategies.

Sleep Challenges in Young Children

I've heard that many people with AD/HD have sleep difficulties at some time or other during their lives. When my son was young, even in infancy, he did not sleep as much as others his age. He gave up naps sooner, and genuinely was wide awake in the evenings when I hoped to get him in bed for the night. I eventually came to the conclusion that you can't make a person sleep when they are not tired, just as all of my great parenting couldn't alter Josh's neurology to rid him of his AD/HD and other challenges. If you've ever been wide awake at a time you wish you were sleeping, you know that sleep cannot be forced. There are things you can do to facilitate sleep, however, and that's what I ended up doing with Josh. He rarely had anything with caffeine in it, and never within hours of bedtime though I've since learned that having a stimulant actually helps some people with AD/HD to be able to sleep. We subdued the lighting in Josh's room to one small lamp with a soft glow. We limited physical activities and required him to stay quiet and remain in his room. He could look at books or play next to his bed with Legos. He could draw pictures. That was about it for bedside activities. When he was able to sleep, he got into bed and we turned off the light when we turned in for the night. If he was still awake when his Dad and I were ready to go to bed, we put in a long-playing tape of Bible stories that he could listen to and turned off the light. Josh knew how to turn the tape over if he was still awake after side one was completed. He could have a small sports bottle with a straw for water, but we didn't give him large amounts so that he wouldn't have to wake up to use the bathroom once he was asleep. After experiencing so many battles with his well-meaning parents who tried to insist that he go to sleep before his body would allow it, Josh accepted the new rules of being quiet and staying in his room with no resistance.

Reluctant Writers

I wonder how many school-age children could be considered reluctant writers. I know from my own experience and from talking with hundreds of people at homeschool conferences that reluctant writers are not uncommon. It seems to occur with a higher percentage in boys, and there's a very high correlation in children with fine motor delays and attention challenges. Yet writing is such a fundamental skill for academic tasks, and not just for "official" writing curriculum that we have to help our children attain competency in this area. Students must demonstrate adequate writing skills for math calculations and to provide written responses to questions in nearly every subject area. My son, Josh, was a doodler and picture-drawing fiend from the time he could hold a pencil. That boy loved to draw, and decorated the margins of his workbooks and school pages with detailed artwork. But he hated to write letters and numbers, so the same pencil he enjoyed drawing with became the hated enemy pencil he was expected to write with for school. When you have a reluctant writer, you can end up with a resistant student. There are a few things I tried that helped us get the work done with neither of us becoming too traumatized in the process. First, I acknowledged to myself that boys tend to mature later than girls, and children with AD/HD tend to be 2-4 years LESS mature than their same-age peers without AD/HD. So when I'm working with my 7 year-old AD/HD son, I'm dealing with a maturity level of a typically developing 3-5 year-old boy. Expectations need to be adjusted to fit who you are working with so you can challenge without frustrating as you help skills be developed. The second point I tried to remember was that curriculum is a tool for teachers to measure comprehension and progress. For a handwriting curriculum, that is best assessed by actual writing samples since that is what is being targeted. For other subject areas, I can assess comprehension orally some of the time. I still have written samples of work in each subject area, but I do not need to have my child write down every answer every time when they can quickly and easily tell me their responses and I can gauge their level of understanding. This lessened frustration a great deal for Josh, who was bright and could express himself orally but struggled to form the written words. Writing was a long, laborious process for him and sustaining attention and focus for topics that weren't highly interesting to him was beyond challenging. Sometimes I let him combine his love of drawing with a writing assignment. I found paper that was lined on the lower half and left the top half blank. Josh could write his sentences on the lower half (half a page of writing was less intimidating to him) and he could illustrate his ideas on the upper half of the paper. This was far more appealing to him than writing alone, so he was less reluctant to do the writing task. Today as a young adult, my son who was an extremely reluctant writer back in elementary school has developed such a passion for writing that he has written three science fiction novels and has plans for several more books. Take heart, teachers of reluctant writers! There may yet be an author inside that child.

Would You Survive...Reading?

When my son Josh was learning to read, it was an arduous process. He made steady progress, but had to work hard to remember the sounds represented by print and the various ways they blended into words. At the time I was teaching Josh to read, my next door neighbor had a daughter 11 months older than Josh. This little girl took books to bed with her at night, and basically taught herself to read as her mother read to her. Before long, and without any curriculum or structured lessons, this girl was reading independently. In the meantime, I struggled to stay awake after lunch when we did the reading lesson for the day. Sometimes it took Josh so long to decode a word that I'd start to nod off and Josh would ask if I was still awake. It didn't help that Josh was also hyperactive, and it was not unusual for his head to be on the floor and his rear end up near the book. I decided instead of the "phonetic approach" I was teaching the "bun-etic approach" but it didn't work very well as a way to teach reading! This was Josh and Beths' kindergarten year, and besides the actual reading instruction I was reading over 100 books to them each month. We were regulars at the library, and if merely exposing them to reading and books could have taught them to read it sure should have happened. They enjoyed the books, but they in no way taught themselves to read. It took work. The books that motivated Josh to read on his own were from a series with titles that started with "Would You Survive..." as a squirrel, deer, fox. etc. These books featured various animals in their habitats, and at various points choices had to be made. For example, when faced with a predator, the reader gets to choose if the animal runs up a tree or hides in a hole in the ground. Based on the choice, the reader is instructed to go to a specific page to continue the story. In addition to teaching about the animals, the stories would have different outcomes depending on the choices the reader made. Josh, like most children with AD/HD, loved the versatility of a story that could be different each time he read it. These books really ignited Josh's love of reading, and soon after he discovered the "Choose Your Own Adventure" series which also gave the reader options that influenced the outcome of the story. Finding books that connect with your child's interest and imagination can make a huge difference in the attitude toward reading. The "Would You Survive" series helped Josh see that reading was not just another required task he had to perform for school, but was actually something that he could enjoy.

Struggles With Language Arts

A mom wrote to me about her 7 year old son, asking for suggestions for a language arts curriculum. Her son has been diagnosed with AD/HD, and like many others he is creative, distractible, and likes some subjects better than others. Since my son had extreme likes and dislikes at that age, I could have spent a fortune trying to find a curriculum that worked for every subject area. Personally, I liked the pre-packed, one-company-for-all-subjects curriculum. That would have worked for only one of my three students, and I figured out that the struggles my son had would be an issue no matter what materials we used. So I learned ways to adapt and supplement what I had already purchased. Here are the things I suggested for consideration to the mom who contacted me about language arts: I would suggest that you try and figure out what it is about your current language arts curriculum that your son dislikes or is struggling with as he does various assignments. For example, if there is a lot of writing involved and he is a reluctant writer, then it makes sense that he is resistant with a curriculum that is heavy on writing. Maybe he needs help learning a proper pencil grip so his hand doesn't hurt, or maybe he needs his vision checked because it's hard for him to visually track when he reads. Does your son have an expressive or receptive language delay? If so, speech therapy type activities could help develop his language skills so that he can communicate more effectively in all domains. Try to see through his eyes and observe him. Ask yourself questions such as "Is the amount of print on the page overwhelming?" If your son takes one look at a page and thinks "This is going to take a long time", that notion is enough to send an AD/HD child off on a tangent! It's not because the work is too difficult for them, but because they dread spending much time on subjects that are not as interesting for them. There may be ways you can modify the curriculum you have now to make it work better for your family. With the flexibility of homeschooling, you can make modifications. Consider doing a half lesson a day, or splitting the language arts time into two sessions with other subjects in between. Allow your son to answer some questions orally instead of writing them down. Yes, he needs to learn to write. But as long as he is writing some of the time, it is acceptable to check his comprehension orally to see if he is mastering the material. Instead of a book report, he could draw you a picture and tell you what he learned from the book. He could do a shoebox diorama to depict some concepts. Remember, the goal is for him to learn the material, not just to finish the curriculum. These types of options allow him to be creative and show what he knows in ways that fit with how he learns. You could also utilize topics that interest him, and instead of using the written passages in the curriculum you have you could substitute sentences or paragraphs from books that you know your son will like while still teaching the skill the text intended. Maybe he could come up with some of his own sentences or ways to practice the skill being addressed by the curriculum. You will still need some written documentation, but a creative child like you described may come up with ways to demonstrate his knowledge that will be acceptable to you in addition to some of the traditional curriculum assignments. I hope this is helpful for you, and I wish you and your son much success in your home schooling endeavors.

Martial Arts and the Snow Shovel Kata

“Kata” is a Japanese word, defined as “a set combination of positions and movements (as in karate) performed as an exercise”. Since all three of my children took martial arts classes for years I have seen many skills practiced and katas are more relaxing for me to watch than sparring. Karate has been thought to be beneficial for children with AD/HD and other learning disabilities for a number of reasons. One of the aspects that I like best is that it allowed my children to be involved in a sport yet work at their own pace. They could work toward their next goal even if it took longer for them to get there than for others. Martial arts with an experienced instructor can be individualized to provide challenges and just enough frustration to allow the student to learn how to manage it with self-control. This is especially important for our impulsive children. As a mother of a quirky child, I was appreciative of the aspects of training that taught self-defense. Honestly, there was something different about Josh and aggressive or mean kids would just hit him or give him a shove. This happened often, and I can’t imagine what it would have been like for him if he had been in a traditional school setting. Josh never meant to be annoying, and he was able to forgive and forget pretty quickly. (This was not true for me, and often when Josh was being victimized I’d go all brainstem emotionally and want to retaliate for him, which is not good considering I am the adult and need to thwart such impulses and use my higher thinking skills. I always did, by the way, but sometimes the override of the emotions was tough to accomplish.) Another benefit from martial arts training is the cross-body movements that are incorporated as the student crosses the midline of his or her body, thereby utilizing both hemispheres of the brain and increasing coordination and fluency. Over the years, I saw my inattentive, accident-prone and clumsy son develop quicker reactions, improved balance, and such grace that he could be a ballroom dancer if he wanted to. He doesn’t want to, but isn’t it nice that he has a choice? The ability to transfer information quickly across the corpus callosum, the fibrous band that connects the brain hemispheres, is also important for academic tasks. Yet another benefit gained by participating in martial arts for our children with various struggles is the outlet for excess energy that hyperactive children exhibit. A good class under the guidance of an instructor who understands that some children have bodies that demand to be in motion can provide a safe outlet for physical activity. For children who struggle to learn the rules for sports and remember them from one season to the next, martial arts eliminates those “between seasons” gaps by being a year-round sport. For Josh, the parks and recreation program for sports such as basketball lasted six weeks. By about week five, Josh was finally starting to catch on and things were starting to click. He’d have one good week, and then basketball would be over for another year. Our local school district also refused to allow home school students to participate in any extra-curricular activities, including sports. The martial arts dojo was not affiliated with the school system, so my homeschooled children were welcome there. As a homeschooler, I was glad to find something my kids could participate in with others from our community. The classes blend new learning with review of previous skills, so the retention is easier to maintain. Josh especially loves katas that involve holding something like a long stick in his hands. He performs the moves smoothly, over and over, until his muscles have the motor pattern down. He has generalized this to every portable object that is long, thin, and straight and he performs his own version of katas whenever he has anything stick-like in his grasp. From uncooked spaghetti noodles to broom sticks, pencils, and dowel rods, Josh twirls and strikes away. Josh’s leaf raking kata is a blast to watch, but I think my personal favorite of Josh’s katas is the snow shovel kata. He looks like he’s really enjoying himself as he flings snow up over the wire in a neighbor’s backyard or into the branches of a tree. The snow does not end up in neat rows piled along the side of the walkway, but it does get removed from the sidewalk in creative ways. Josh also changes the kata slightly so the snow shovel kata is different each time it is performed. One more thing to love about martial arts training!

Martin Luther King, Jr.

"If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lives a great street sweeper who did his job well."

Martin Luther King, Jr. in his speech "Facing the Challenge of a New Age" Address at the Institute of Non-violence and Social Change, Montgomery, Alabama, December 1956

I have always loved this quote by Martin Luther King, Jr. I've come to think about it and appreciate it even more as my son grew up and it became clear that he was not going to be able to go to college full-time and instead entered the workforce. He is at a position that would be considered a menial job, but I am as proud of him as if he were in the most prestigious position imaginable. His character is good. His heart is in the right place. He is honest, trustworthy, and giving. So here's a salute to all those street sweepers, painters, composers, poets, and stockmen like my Josh pushing carts in from the parking lot. You do it well, and there's more to honor than a title and position.

Finding "X" in Algebra

Beckie has always been a bit impulsive, so it comes as no surprise that she has little patience for spending time solving algebra problems. She's entirely happy to have mastered the basic mathematics functions and as the problems in her current text get longer and more complicated her frustration increases. She struggles with inattention and her working memory is not great, so with multi-step problems she may start strong but fade quickly after the first few steps. I ask her to find X. She perkily points to it in her math book and says, "There it is! And there! And there!" I then more specifically and deliberately ask her to solve for X. She grins at me and wants to know why we can't just leave X alone, having found it already. She suggests that leaving X unknown will add some mystery and interest to our lives as we just leave X with its potential to be many things. I try to encourage her. I point out examples of how algebra is used in "real life" by adults in their work. She retorts that she will not be pursuing any profession involving algebra or geometry or any other higher math skills, so this is not worth investing her time in. I come back with examples of careers that would not be considered "math" jobs, but that never the less utilize math to some extent. Beckie offers the rebuttal that she will somehow find a way to determine which professions can avoid all but the most basic of math functions. I reply that if nothing else, doing harder math will prepare her for life because it will teach her to stick with things and think to solve problems. Beckie points out that her current problem IS math, and that for any problem she can't solve she is confident that someone can be hired to do so. I'm thinking of directing her toward becoming a lawyer, since she enjoys making her case whether she has evidence to support it or not. Plus, she can always hire somebody to get her to court on time and take care of the billing. She might be good at it, since she can be tenacious about some things. We have to work with what we have, right?

Neither Captivating Nor Capable

Although I'm not AD/HD, I sometimes do things without thinking them through, just like my family members who do have that diagnoses. Recently, our church's women's ministry offered a series of courses titled "Captivating and Capable", featuring such topics as cooking, baking, cleaning, ironing and laundry, car care, basic home repairs, make up and hair styling, etc. I read over the descriptions and decided I was definitely not capable in the areas of car care and basic home repairs, so I e-mailed the organizer and signed up for those two classes. The night before my first class I mentioned to my husband, Scott, that I would not be home the next evening because I had the basic home repairs class to go to. Scott looked confused, and asked what the class was for. I told him what would be covered, and then proudly announced that on Valentine's Day I would be in the car care class. Very romantic, no? Scott continued to look somewhat mystified and told me, "I could probably show you all that stuff." It wasn't until that moment that I realized I had inadvertently insulted him by signing up for classes to learn skills that Scott could share with me. I had never even told him I wanted to know those things, so lacking the ability to read my mind he had no chance to meet a need he didn't know existed. Actually, I don't even really want to know all that's being covered in the classes, it's more a matter of feeling like I should learn it just in case a water pipe breaks and Scott is not around to take care of it. In any case, I did not intend to hurt his feelings, but after reflecting about how I handled things I realized I did a pretty good job of it anyway. So I apologized to Scott, and canceled my attendance in those two classes. I hope that someone else (without such a capable man as I have) will benefit from filling in my spots in the class. And so, although I originally intended to improve myself, I find that I remain neither captivating nor capable. Having dropped the ball, I find that I must continue pressing forward on both counts.

Plop, Plop, Plop...A Dalmation!

This cold weather and the accumulation of snow has caused my black dog to come inside wearing snowflakes on his face and back. He is old now, 14 years, and for a large black lab mix that is a long life. Seeing him dusted with snow reminded me of a time when he was a young dog, sitting in his usual place near my daughter, Beckie. Shadow strategically managed to be around Beckie when she was eating from the time she was in a high chair. There were two good reasons for this: Beckie loved all animals and would gladly sneak food to him, and she tended to be a messy eater since she had sensory issues that led her to make every mealtime a full-body experience. Now Beckie has always loved ice cream, so I thought it was safe to give her some vanilla ice cream in a bowl while I cleaned up after the rest of the meal. Another thing about Beckie at that age was her constant singing or talking, and since she was very imaginative I didn't think much about her chattering, "Plop, plop, plop" as she ate. It wasn't until Shadow walked past me covered in blobs of ice cream that I realized she had been plopping spoonfuls onto him. She had seen Disney's 101 Dalmations movie and loved it, and before I could ask her why she had covered the dog in globs of ice cream she proudly announced, "Look! A dalmation!" She was quite proud of her creation, and Shadow happily lapped up the ice cream we scraped off his sticky fur and into his bowl. A win-win for Beckie and Shadow.

Empty Containers Put Back In The Fridge

I don't know if this happens in other families, but it is not uncommon at my house to look for something in the refrigerator only to find that the container is empty. I have rolled my eyes at the empty milk jugs that have been carefully replaced sans content. I write that off to habit combined with inattention. The habit dictates replacing the lid and putting it back in its original location while the inattention fails to note the emptiness of said container. It's more frustrating for containers that I can't see through, because I think I've found what I'm looking for until I actually remove the lid and discover the vacancy. Not that the containers are clean, by any means. There is usually a teaspoon of food or liquid remaining. I think if there is a full tablespoon, my family justifies putting it away because anyone can see it isn't "gone" yet. The other day I found an empty 2-liter pop bottle left on the pantry shelf. It was the pop that Josh drinks, and for the first time I considered that he probably had done this deliberately and not in an inattentive moment. So I added to my usual eye roll response, and asked Josh why he had put an empty bottle away instead of into the recycling bin. He immediately responded that he had done so to remind himself that he was out of pop and needed to get more. Every time he'd go to get a drink of pop he'd see it and be reminded that he was out of his soda of choice. My strategy is to use a grocery list and write down what I need to replenish next time I'm at the store. But lists and pre-planning are to Josh what cooties are to young children. Eeew! Icky! So his AD/HD strategy, and it is a strategy, is to cue himself repeatedly through visual and tactile means. Then, when he thinks about getting a drink of pop and sees a display in a store, he will respond by buying the pop and can then recycle the empty bottle that he's replacing.

A Card Without An Envelope

I like symmetry. Even when I do creative projects, determined to use my right brain only, my end result looks balanced and planned out. So when I look for a note card that came as part of a set of 8 cards and 8 envelopes, I am fully expecting each card to have a buddy to enclose it. Last week, I wrote thank-you notes and gave two cards and envelopes to Beckie so she could write her thank-you notes. Today, when I went to get her another card I found the expected two cards remaining but no envelopes. I KNEW I had a one-to-one correspondence for my envelopes and cards. I figured they must have slipped down into the drawer and were hiding, so I went on the hunt. I couldn't find the matching envelopes, and although I didn't really think Beckie held the answer to this particular mystery I asked her if she had helped herself to a couple of envelopes without cards. To my surprise (and why does this kind of thing still surprise me?) she said, "Oh, yeah. I thought my handwriting looked terrible, so I did the envelopes over again." When we do school, she uses pencils. She is not a perfectionist and doesn't mind erasing or getting "close enough" on her work. Apparently, thank-you notes fall into a different category, and must be: A. written in ink and B. the best handwriting ever. I'm just glad I asked her before I: A. wasted more time looking for envelopes that were long gone and B. Convinced myself that I was losing it and needed to look into assisted living facilities that allow kids and pets.

I'm Down To One Teenager

Not too long ago, I was the mother of three teenagers. I remember when they were very young and I would hear warnings and dire predictions of "They're cute now, but just wait until they're teenagers!" and I felt trepidation at the idea of a bleak but unavoidable future. Have you noticed that some people, especially current parents of teens, can't wait to share the misery with parents of young children? I interpreted the messages as "It's too late to turn back now. You're already a parent and those teen years are coming. You can't avoid them so you might as well accept your fate and hope you survive. But you probably won't." I really dreaded dealing with teenage issues, and I've seen many tragic situations among friends and strangers with teenagers and it baffled me as to the best way to handle them. After all, I wasn't that great at being a teenager myself and I certainly never wanted to revisit those years. Then someone helpfully pointed out that all three of my children would be teenagers at the same time, and for a few years they would all be dealing with adolescence but at different developmental levels. Wow. What was I thinking?!? But it's too late and I probably won't survive anyway! So when Josh became a teenager, I was relieved that he did not immediately change into someone I no longer knew. Then 15 months later, Beth became a teenager and I still found her delightful. Four years later, Beckie joined the ranks of teenagers, and a new phase of our lives together commenced. We have had our share of "puberty attacks", where I tell my children that I have already been through puberty myself and am not to blame for their unavoidable entry into the world of adolescence. I explain that what they feel is normal, not permanent, and not an excuse for bad behavior. The kids actually were able to help each other, by pointing out their observations such as, "I think you're having a puberty attack. Don't take it out on Mom." So sure, we've had rough patches. But the surprise for me was that I enjoyed my kids as teenagers, even though it was different from the younger years. There were new things to explore, and deeper levels of conversation, and it was just plain cool to see the young adults they were growing into over the years. Now Josh is 21, and today my Beth turned 20. So I have only one teenager left, and I am crazy about her. These kids, these young adults, are individuals I am proud of and enjoy spending time with. So for those of you with young children, those teenage years aren't all bad all the time. There could be some really good times ahead. Fasten your seatbelt for the roller coaster mood swing ride, and it will be bumpy at times, but don't let the bumps keep you from the invigorating excitement that this time of life offers. When my kids were young, I was both fascinated and humbled by them. I still am.

Why Did You Pick Him?

My daughters, who love their Daddy and most of the time are crazy about him, have approached me at different times to demand why I picked "that man" to be my husband. Part of that question is merely a reflection of the frustration they are feeling over the latest conflict with their father. Admittedly, the communication with their Dad is not always ideal, as part of my husband's AD/HD manifests in thoughts conveyed only in his head without making it out of his mouth to those around him. He does not do this intentionally, or with great frequency, but when it happens it leads to frustration for all involved. The other aspect of the question is genuine bewilderment at how two people who are so opposite in so many ways ended up together as a couple. The girls have a point. If Scott and I were to enter our data on a dating site, I doubt that we would ever meet. Imagine Felix and Oscar. Tigger and Eeyore. You get the idea. We are very incompatible when it comes to organization and neatness. I love it and need it. Scott is o.k. with it but fine without it and will tell you straight out that he is a slob. I like to go deep with a few close friends. Scott is friends with whoever he is with at the moment. I am more introverted. He is more extraverted. I am a planner. He is spontaneous. I am goal oriented in the extreme. Scott reacts to things as they arise. I dwell on things. Scott lives in the moment. It sounds pretty grim for a relationship to thrive with two people who are so different from each other. So when my girls talk to me about "that man of yours", I laughingly ask if they are referring to THEIR father. Then I explain just a bit about why I am blessed to be with Scott, despite our struggles to be together in a way that works for both of us. I tell them how I was intending to be single when I was a new Christian in college. I describe meeting their Dad, but not getting to know him for another year and a half because I just wasn't interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone since I was planning to remain single. I explain that Scott was gently persistent in getting to know me, and how eventually I noticed that he was very intelligent. I was drawn to how kind he was. I probed his beliefs and found that his values lined up with mine perfectly. I began to appreciate his friendship, and was bemused that even his sense of humor was strangely similar to my own. When I informed him that I intended to hold fast to my Christian worldview and live my life for Christ, he informed me that he had that same intention. I did nothing to try and impress Scott. I let him see my faults as well as my strengths, and he didn't run away screaming. Nothing I said or did even seemed to surprise him, he just accepted me and for reasons that were not clear to me, liked being with me. I decided he must be either very brave or a little bit goofy. I came to realize that I had nothing to lose by pursuing a long-term relationship with Scott and potentially a lot to gain by combining our lives. Even at that point, I actually came out and told him that if he walked away from me it would not have a huge impact because I had already committed to how I was going to live my life, whether I was with him or not. I THINK I was kind about it, but I know I sincerely meant what I said. It honestly wasn't until after all this had developed that a friend made a comment about how handsome Scott was, and I just laughed. Then I looked at him, really looked at him, and realized my friend was right. Scott continues to be devastatingly handsome to me, even now in middle age. At this point my girls are rolling their eyes, but before they can dart off I ask them if their friends have fathers who sing them awake in the morning, or who acted like a French teddy bear to give them goodnight kisses when they were little, or who doesn't mind shopping or watching chick flicks with them. Do they know of other men who will make popcorn for them just because they called him Daddy and batted their eyes at him? Do they realize he doesn't do things to hurt or frustrate them on purpose? Do they give him credit for all the rides he's provided, the lessons he's paid for, the discussions around the dinner table? And my final question for them is, "Now can you see, at least in part, why I picked THIS man to be my husband and your father?" You have a lot to be thankful for, my girls, and I pray you choose as well.

She understandeth It Not

Beckie and I are now studying Shakespeare, specifically Romeo and Juliet. As we started, I laid the foundation by describing the protagonists, major and minor characters, plot, themes, and so on. I found an excellent and affordable study guide at www.pinkmonkey.com, which has been one of my favorite literature resources for years. I also like www.sparknotes.com, and usually use a combination of both sites for my literature studies. Each site offers online information, including explanations of famous quotes, study questions, and online quizzes. They also offer downloadable resources for a nominal fee. I paid $1.99 for a 37 page PDF document that was instantly available to me to print off at home. It would have taken me hours to find and compile the information, so it was well worth it to me. It has been a few years since I taught Romeo and Juliet with my other homeschool students, Josh and Beth. Beckie was too young to remember more than an overview from her siblings study, so we are starting anew. We read through Act I, Scene I together. I paused periodically to explain or clarify what was happening and to check in with Beckie to make sure I hadn't lost her along the way. At the conclusion of the day's lesson, I asked Beckie what she thought so far. After a brief hesitation, she replied that she thought she understood what was going on, but that without my interpretations now and then you could say "She understandeth it not."Ah, Beckie! Thou art both a challenge and a joy to teach.

New Year's Resolutions ...Or Not?

I am hesitant to make resolutions. It's not that I don't think they are good things. I'm just not sure that a mere calendar change is an adequate reason (or excuse) to vow to do things that should be happening regardless of the time of year. If something needs to be done, I don't wait for a new year. I guess it's a good time to review life and see if the goals are still aligned with who I am now. But I also don't take things lightly if I say I am going to do them, so I don't want to set goals unless I know I will be able to see them through. It's like making a promise to myself, and that commitment shouldn't be taken any more lightly than if I were promising something to another person. I can easily see areas needing improvement. So many, in fact, that it could be overwhelming to try and address them all. I don't want New Year's resolutions to set me up for failure or hang over me with a looming condemnation as days slip by without goals being accomplished. So for now, I am living by general Christian principals without delineating specific and measurable goals. I tend to be driven by nature, and do not lack motivation and objectives I hope to meet. What I need is to live in grace, understanding the mercy of God who created me and knows my heart. I believe God will show me the areas where I should set goals, and only He can help me accomplish anything of true importance. The bottom line for me is that I want to be smack in the center of God's will for me, and my prayer is that if I stray He will nudge me back to the place I should be. So I guess I actually do have a New Year's Lifetime Resolution to stay close to God and cooperate with Him when He reels me back to Himself.

Fun with the endocrine system

My daughter, Beckie, has been learning about the endocrine system. I explained that the endocrine system includes hormone-producing glands, which as a teenage she has in abundance. Without missing a beat, Beckie responded in a hostile tone with "What do you mean by THAT?". This was immediately followed by "I'm sorry!" spoken in a weepy tone. Just her little way of letting me know she was following the discussion on the influence of hormones, cracking me up as usual. When we finished the lesson and were on the review portion, I asked Beckie if she could tell me the names of three glands in the endocrine system. After a pause she replied, "Sure! P...M...S!" I told her I needed something a bit more specific (and accurate!) than that, but it was a nice try. And it did convey the idea that the endocrine system is related to hormonal influences, so maybe I should have given just a tiny bit of extra credit for the response.

"Normal" is whatever you're used to

My daughter, Beth, has grown up with an older brother and younger sister who struggle with AD/HD, auditory processing, and sensory issues. Any outsider to our family in our younger days would have been able to see immediately that two of the children were not typical in many ways. To Beth, however, she's grown up with them and is used to the way they need to hear directions repeatedly and have tasks broken down into small steps. She's grown up seeing strategies in place to help her siblings keep track of school materials, shoes, and of course the elusive and frequently missing library books. She grew up pairing visual cues with auditory information to maximize retention and knows that without writing information down her siblings will not retain it. Beth has an in-depth understanding of the need her siblings have to be in motion, even while they are doing school work. She can list a dozen safe ways to meet the need for physical activity without it being too distracting to others or dependent on the weather. Beth is adept at redirecting a distractible child and helping them get back on track with their focus. Now a college student majoring in special education, Beth recently joined me at my part-time employer to be a substitute teacher in a preschool classroom. She thoroughly enjoyed her day with the children, and those working with her gave her rave reviews. They said she was a natural, and jumped right in without having to be told what to do with the kids. When I passed the compliments along to Beth, she was pleased but really didn't think what she did was a big deal at all. Beth's whole life has been part of her preparation, and to her she is truly doing what comes naturally. Her response to some of the challenges of special needs kids comes automatically, through years of practice and observation in her own home. Beth feels passionately about helping children who struggle, and her insight and experiences make her a natural in her interactions. Her responses reflect that "normal" doesn't necessarily mean "like everyone else". "Normal" can be whatever you are used to, and will vary from unusual person to person.

Election Education

Two of my children are now old enough to be voting in their first presidential election this year. I have taught them since they were young that they needed to know their rights, because if they didn't it would be easy for someone to take those rights away. The right to vote is hugely important, and my husband Scott and I both wanted to support Josh and Beth as they learned to exercise their right to vote. We decided the best way was to vote early on a day that Beth didn't have to be at class and Josh didn't have to be at work early. We went to the early voting site and stood in line for two hours waiting to vote. Scott and I tried to explain what to expect, but neither of us had ever voted early before so we described our usual electronic voting booths. Then we found out it was a paper ballot, so we told them to tuck the electronic voting information away in their memories for a future voting time! Since the paper ballot involves filling in the ovals, and Josh and Beth have been students long enough to recall that process from standardized testing, filling out the forms was simple to do. (I had the urge to tell them "Fill in the circle completely and make your mark heavy and dark" just like when I administer the California achievement test.) The actual process of voting didn't take that long, and then we had the opportunity for further education about the process. Josh noticed that his name "Joshua" was printed out as "Joshud", but was assured that it wouldn't affect his vote and his ballot was still valid. Beth discovered that her middle initial was incorrect, as was her address on the pre-printed sticker. When this was brought to the attention of voting officials, we found out that there is another person living in our county with the same first and last name as Beth, but fortunately with a different middle initial. The ballot Beth filled out was voided (the other person had already voted early, too) and Beth got to fill out a new ballot with her correct information. Beth was faster at voting the second time around, and it was a learning experience for us all and a good reminder to pay attention to the small details. If Beth hadn't done so, her vote would not have been counted because her information that she wrote would not have matched that of the other person who shares her name.

That's Just Warped

Hello readers! Many of you are familiar with my ongoing quest to help my son, Josh, get to places on time. It has been a lifelong (his life, that is!) battle and neither of us wants to concede defeat. Josh has never been on standard time, and his internal clock doesn't match any time zone that I'm aware of. We've talked (o.k., I talk and he pretends to listen) about the impossibility of leaving home at the time you are due to arrive somewhere else and actually getting there on time. Josh wants to be able to beam from one place to another like Captain Kirk from Star Trek, playing the roles of both Captain Kirk, and Scotty who activates the beaming device. It has never worked. Josh keeps hoping that somehow it will. Today, for the first time ever, Josh admitted to me that "beaming doesn't work." This is progress, right? Wrong! Because the next thing he muttered was, "I'll just warp there." AAAARGH! I told Josh, "No! Warping doesn't work either!" Josh just smiled and turned on his IPOD, saying "Listening to music now." That's his version of "Nobody's listening. La, la, la." And so the battle continues.