Friday, January 02, 2009
Why Did You Pick Him?
My daughters, who love their Daddy and most of the time are crazy about him, have approached me at different times to demand why I picked "that man" to be my husband. Part of that question is merely a reflection of the frustration they are feeling over the latest conflict with their father. Admittedly, the communication with their Dad is not always ideal, as part of my husband's AD/HD manifests in thoughts conveyed only in his head without making it out of his mouth to those around him. He does not do this intentionally, or with great frequency, but when it happens it leads to frustration for all involved. The other aspect of the question is genuine bewilderment at how two people who are so opposite in so many ways ended up together as a couple. The girls have a point. If Scott and I were to enter our data on a dating site, I doubt that we would ever meet. Imagine Felix and Oscar. Tigger and Eeyore. You get the idea. We are very incompatible when it comes to organization and neatness. I love it and need it. Scott is o.k. with it but fine without it and will tell you straight out that he is a slob. I like to go deep with a few close friends. Scott is friends with whoever he is with at the moment. I am more introverted. He is more extraverted. I am a planner. He is spontaneous. I am goal oriented in the extreme. Scott reacts to things as they arise. I dwell on things. Scott lives in the moment. It sounds pretty grim for a relationship to thrive with two people who are so different from each other. So when my girls talk to me about "that man of yours", I laughingly ask if they are referring to THEIR father. Then I explain just a bit about why I am blessed to be with Scott, despite our struggles to be together in a way that works for both of us. I tell them how I was intending to be single when I was a new Christian in college. I describe meeting their Dad, but not getting to know him for another year and a half because I just wasn't interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone since I was planning to remain single. I explain that Scott was gently persistent in getting to know me, and how eventually I noticed that he was very intelligent. I was drawn to how kind he was. I probed his beliefs and found that his values lined up with mine perfectly. I began to appreciate his friendship, and was bemused that even his sense of humor was strangely similar to my own. When I informed him that I intended to hold fast to my Christian worldview and live my life for Christ, he informed me that he had that same intention. I did nothing to try and impress Scott. I let him see my faults as well as my strengths, and he didn't run away screaming. Nothing I said or did even seemed to surprise him, he just accepted me and for reasons that were not clear to me, liked being with me. I decided he must be either very brave or a little bit goofy. I came to realize that I had nothing to lose by pursuing a long-term relationship with Scott and potentially a lot to gain by combining our lives. Even at that point, I actually came out and told him that if he walked away from me it would not have a huge impact because I had already committed to how I was going to live my life, whether I was with him or not. I THINK I was kind about it, but I know I sincerely meant what I said. It honestly wasn't until after all this had developed that a friend made a comment about how handsome Scott was, and I just laughed. Then I looked at him, really looked at him, and realized my friend was right. Scott continues to be devastatingly handsome to me, even now in middle age. At this point my girls are rolling their eyes, but before they can dart off I ask them if their friends have fathers who sing them awake in the morning, or who acted like a French teddy bear to give them goodnight kisses when they were little, or who doesn't mind shopping or watching chick flicks with them. Do they know of other men who will make popcorn for them just because they called him Daddy and batted their eyes at him? Do they realize he doesn't do things to hurt or frustrate them on purpose? Do they give him credit for all the rides he's provided, the lessons he's paid for, the discussions around the dinner table? And my final question for them is, "Now can you see, at least in part, why I picked THIS man to be my husband and your father?" You have a lot to be thankful for, my girls, and I pray you choose as well.