Facial Recognition and Social Implications

Most of us have times when it's hard to recall someone's name, although we recognize the face. We readily admit, "I'm terrible with names" as a disclaimer when we first meet someone so he won't be offended in the future if his name slips out of our grasp. This difficulty with name recall is both common and understandable. Unless an individual's name makes it from our working memory into our long term memory, and pretty quickly, we are not likely to remember it in the future. For most of us, it is easier to recall the visual information and appearance of another person's face than the auditory information of a name. Sometimes we recognize someone but can't remember the context in which we met them. Church? Community activity? Friend of a friend? Because this is such a common experience, most people are pretty forgiving if we've forgotten the name but at least show recognition that we have met before. Often, there is mutual forgetfulness and the other person does not remember our names, either. No harm done.
My son, Josh, has significant working memory challenges. I realized over time that my son not only was unable to recall names, neither could he readily recall faces. He had no difficulty recognizing those of us he interacted with on a regular basis, but for those he saw infrequently he honestly had no memory or context for knowing them. It would be unsettling for him when virtual strangers (to his mind) would call him by name and initiate a conversation. Josh has never been good at faking anything, so he would genuinely ask, "Do I know you?" or "I'm sorry, but have we met?" Unfortunately, this attempt to be polite and seek clarification had negative social implications. People naturally feel hurt when others don't remember them, especially people whom they remember quite clearly and have shared past experiences. I remember a mother of one of my daughter's friends coming up to me and telling me that Josh asked who she was and she told him "I've only known you for YEARS." It was true, but months would go by in between each brief contact and Josh never transferred the information to his long-term memory so each contact was starting fresh - for him. If I told Josh who people were and when he had seen them before, it sometimes jogged a vague memory for him.
There is a name for this "face blindness", and the term is "prosopagnosia". In severe cases, individuals have difficulty recognizing their own family members, friends, and even themselves. Many people with autism, PDD, and Asperger Syndrome experience prosopagnosia. I guess Josh had a fairly mild version, and I wondered if what registered in his mind's eye was like a snapshot of faces, rather than the more dynamic version of faces changing to reflect a variety of emotions. Since Josh used to have difficulty recognizing different emotions expressed on faces, I thought maybe he only had one still picture in his mind and if it didn't match what he saw there was no recall. I don't know for sure, and Josh has improved over the years. It's too bad that there's not facial recognition software we could install in our brains to help us make the connections. I have worked with many children with autism who focus on part of something rather than seeing the whole. If this happens when a child looks at a face, he may see just the nose, or only the mouth, and not how those parts comprise a face. I have had children stare at an object I've held in front of my face, without recognizing that there was a person holding the object. If a face is viewed as individual component parts without seeing the whole, that face is not likely to be recognized in the future.
For our verbal children with the language skills to express themselves, we can teach them strategies to ease the social tension. Having someone admit "I know lots of people have trouble remembering names, but I even have trouble remembering faces sometimes" may prepare others in advance so they won't be offended or surprised when they have to reintroduce themselves. For our nonverbal or less verbal children, we can advocate for them by explaining the challenges of prosopagnosia and reassure others that it is not a personal slight when our children don't acknowledge them with recognition. My hope is that when we explain that there is a neurological glitch, others will be more flexible and accepting and won't misinterpret our struggling learner's behaviors in a negative way.

Social Skills and Proximity Friends

My son, Josh, is an introvert. In many ways, this is a blessing. It means that he’s not necessarily lonely just because he is alone. He is comfortable being with himself, and by himself. He also likes people, and enjoys spending time with them. It’s just that socializing is not a pressing need for Josh, and it drains his energy after awhile. From a very early age, Josh struggled with social nuances. He didn’t feel the need to make eye contact, and his facial expressions often gave no clue as to what he was thinking or feeling. He had to work to learn to read body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, etc. It did not come naturally for him, and the effort he exerted often yielded small returns. Here is just a glimpse of what he experienced as he grew up.

Imagine trying to say the right thing, and using the correct words, but still being rejected because somehow you said it wrong and offended someone. Imagine going up to a group of children and asking if you can play with them, only to have them ignore you and run away to play with each other. Then watch as within moments another child approaches the group and is instantly included in their play. You don’t know what you did wrong. You tried to do as you had been taught. You realize that somehow others know things about interacting and making friends that you don’t know, and these secret rules are frustratingly out of reach. How should you proceed? An adult shows interest in you and says you are friends, so you invite her over to play and she gives you an odd look and goes to talk to your Mom. Other adults seem to do that a lot, and Mom just looks sad and kind of baffled. Doing what came naturally to you didn’t work. Using the social skills you rehearsed and practiced with your Mom didn’t work. Your Mom seems to be the only real friend you have, and while you’re appreciative it’s still hard not having friends your own age. Real friends, not like the forced ones in the group your parents have to pay for you to attend, with other kids who don’t really get the unwritten rules of social skills any better than you do. You want friends, so you try and try again. You’d like to think of yourself as optimistic and resilient, but others view you as a pest who can’t take a hint. What hint? They never actually came out and said anything, so how are you supposed to know what you are doing that bothers them? Or maybe it’s something you are not doing, that they think you should be doing. It’s all so confusing. People say you are too blunt, but you say things as you see them and are truthful. Others talk around the point, but never just come out with it. Maybe they don’t want to hurt your feelings, but it hurts more when things build up and you don’t even realize it until it’s too late and you’ve lost another potential friend and truly don’t understand what went wrong. Sure, you have proximity friends. Those people who say hi to you and ask how you are. By now you’ve learned they don’t really want to know how you are so you just tell them “fine”. That’s how people do it, right?

You join a small group of other guys at your church, thinking the smaller group might help you actually develop relationships. You care about these guys. But although they spend time with each other throughout the week, you are rarely invited to join them. You plan something at your house and invite them, but they all have excuses why they can’t make it. You’ve been told you are intelligent, kind, caring, and creative. But somehow a “weird” or “quirky” vibe seems to trump all that. Gradually you come to accept that the true friendships you develop will be rare, and you will treasure them at a deeper level than those for whom relationships come easily. You will enjoy your proximity friends during those brief interludes when your paths cross. You will continue to make attempts at speaking the social language of those around you. It will always be something of a mystery to you, why some reject you and others will be friends. You learn to appreciate the friends without having to understand the reasons why.

You have a lot to offer.

Some people allow you to show just how much.

I'm weird, you're weird, we're all weird now!

Today's blog post is by a guest blogger. My daughter, Beth, is a special education major and shares her experience with a young friend who has Asperger Syndrome.

I am notorious at reading too deeply into simple statements, but this struck me as profound.

I was baby-sitting for a near and dear family for me. Upon returning from a short bike ride to drop off the younger of two brothers to soccer practice, the older brother and I had an extremely brief conversation. It went something like this:

M: *mumbles something about himself being a "stupid-dumb head"*
Beth: Hey, I don't like the sounds of that. You are not a stupid-dumb head!
M: I know, sometimes I say things like that.
Beth: Well, I don't like those words. They aren't true. And I bet your mom doesn't like them either.
M: She doesn't mind.
Beth: If I mentioned to her that you said that, would she be sad?
M: Don't mention it to her, okay? It doesn't mean anything. You don't have to mention it.
Beth: I just don't want you to say those things about yourself. I like your head. I want you to like your head too!
M: Okay... I'm just weird.
Beth: Oh?
M: Yeah. I'm weird. You're weird too. Everyone is weird!
Beth: Yeah, but you know what? Being weird rocks. Let's scream it.. ready? 1, 2, 3-
M & Beth: BEING WEIRD ROCKS!!

What makes this profound is my buddy in this story has Asperger's syndrome. He is a quirky boy, and fitting in isn't always easy. However, strides have been made, society has come a long way. Self-confidence and self-love is a rare find in individuals such as these, and it warms my heart to know that these kinds of children can proudly scream "Being weird rocks!" in place of being a "stupid-dumb head." Having a difference can be isolating, and it's encouraging to know that not only can people cope with this, they can be proud of their differences too.

We still have so far to go, though. However, I do think it's important to celebrate these small steps, for they are significant.