Pretend I'm Dead!

One of the toughest tasks I've faced as a parent is teaching my kids to take responsibility. I understand that my children's particular learning challenges coincide with a two to four year delay in maturity, but even taking that into account I have been only partially successful in teaching them to take responsibility for their actions, time, possessions, and other obligations. When they were very young, it took them longer than most to learn and complete simple tasks and develop routines. I admit, there were times when I went ahead and did things myself because I didn't have time or patience to wait on them. But most of the time, I allotted the time for the kids to do things for themselves and insisted that they do as much as possible independently. I taught them how to do simple chores, daily self-care routines, cook, and clean. I gave them charts, lists, and all the supplies they needed to be successful. Yet I still watched in bewilderment as my son would walk into a chair and say "That stupid chair!" as if the chair exerted its will and deliberately moved in front of my son instead of my son just taking responsibility for his own inattentiveness. My daughter would trip over one of her toys that she had neglected to put away and then turn around and kick it for being in her way. When they couldn't find their shoes, I would hear them grumbling about "those stupid shoes" and making comments like "Somebody must have moved them because I can't find them." Even though there were designated spots for shoes, books, and toys, when they couldn't find them my kids never seemed able to connect their actions of not putting things where they belong to not being able to find them later. It is easier for them to immediately ask for help rather than try to problem solve and come up with solutions on their own. My son, who has short-term memory issues, has refused to use aids like calendars, lists, and planners. So when he needs to call someone, he never has the number readily accessible. When he wants to call his Dad at work, he asks whoever is around at the time to tell him the number. Since Dad has been at the same job for years now, I figured that my son should either make an effort to memorize the number or write it down someplace where he can consistently find it. I've started asking him questions like "How are you going to remember your appointment date and time?" and "When do you think you should leave in order to get there in time, and how will you prompt yourself when it's time to go?" His usual answer is to grin and say "You'll remind me!" This week I've instituted a new strategy. I ask him my coaching questions, and then add "Pretend I'm dead!" so he has to come up with a strategy that doesn't involve me. So far, it has seemed to stimulate his taking a bit more responsibility to come up with his own solutions.

Discipline

Have you ever noticed that kids respond in different ways to discipline? Even kids in the same family, with the same corrective measures often respond in different ways. That's why I'm leary of any "Use this approach and it's guaranteed to work" programs or books. I once got a recipe for "Never-Fail Pie Crust" and I was afraid to use it since I thought I might be the first failure. I've felt like that with parenting books, too. My son was impervious to many of the techniques I'd read about and tried with him, and sometimes in retrospect I felt like they were more damaging than helpful. Our church offered a course once on raising kids, and even the title was intimidating since it claimed to be the way God would want us to raise our children. Well, I do want to please God and do things the right way, so my husband and I went through the course. The techniques no doubt worked for some kids and I've talked to people who say the program was a tremendous help for them. For awhile, I did what the program prescribed, but I didn't get the same results as the authors. Not even close. So I was left to think that either God's way doesn't work for my children - a scary thought - or perhaps He who created unique children has more than one way of loving and raising them.

Independence Day

Happy Independence Day!
After the cookouts, parades and fireworks I have been reflecting on the meaning of Independence as it relates to my family.

Dr Jim Dobson has said that parenting is the only vocation in the world where you work your way out of a job just as your starting to get good at it. His meaning as I understand it is that our goal as parents is to raise up our children to the point that they are independent and don't need us anymore. This is a daunting task. It is all the more difficult when you are dealing with special needs kids.

Right now we are dealing with my son, Joshua and his struggle with time management. Sometimes it seems that Josh invented the concept of slow motion replay. Left on his own, he will finish his morning toilet, shower, dressing and breakfast just in time for... lunch. He has two speeds: "Stop" and "Plod."
We have tried reasoning, threatening, nagging, bribing and shaming. We've tried reminders, lists, prompts, voice recorders. We haven't found anything effective yet, but we will keep trying.
This is an area that is critical for his future success. And ultimately, that is what our goal is - self-reliance and independence.

Happy 4th of July.

"Fooled them again"

My dad once told me a story about Pulitzer Prize winning sports writer Grantland Rice. Rice couldn't believe that his writing was popular. In fact, it was rumoured that he would finish a column, pull the paper out of his typewriter, sit back and say to himself "Well, fooled them again!"
That's kind of how I feel right now. We just finished presenting two workshops at the CHEO convention. We had a good time talking with the folks who were kind enough to attend and listen to HUMom speak and watch our PowerPoint presentation. If they only knew.....

Last year, we proposed several ideas for new workshops to the conventions that we normally attend. Due to a series of snafus, I was late applying to CHEO, and initially we weren't going to speak at all. Later, two spots opened up and they asked us to speak - one time on an old topic and another time with a brand new workshop on "Sensory Integration." Unfortunately, I forgot to tell HUMom about that until a week before the convention. (It is a testament to her graciousness that I am still alive!) Thankfully, she already had much of it together in her mind, and was able to pull it together in time. I put the finishing touches on the PowerPoint the night before the convention started.

The next morning, I thought I would take a quick look at the other presentation ("Modifying Curriculum for Special Needs") to make sure everything was okay. What I found was that the file we had on my laptop (HUMom's laptop is in the shop for repairs) was two years old, and the presentation had been modified several times. So, I had to scramble to put the presentation together again. Things are never dull in our household!

We thoroughly enjoyed talking with all of you, and hope that you found some things that are usefull and helpful.

Trip to Florida

Well, our trip to Orlando for the Florida Parent Educators Association convention turned into quite the memorable event.

Things went pretty well until we hit Macon, Georgia. Then, Josh yells "Oh no!" and reports that "parts are falling off the trailer!" When we pulled over, I found that he was correct. The metal rock plate that was screwed onto the front of the trailer had come loose, and was flapping around. This of course, lead to stress on the other screws, which proceeded to pop off one by one, like the buttons on my shirt after a Thanksgiving dinner. By the time we got to a gas station, they were almost all gone. I bought a roll of duct tape, and that held it together for the rest of the trip. (You really can fix almost anything with duct tape.)

We were okay for another half hour when the van started lurching and sputtering. I was hoping that we had just gotten some bad gas, but another 30 minutes saw us losing power and sputtering even worse. By this time, it was 5:30. God was with us, though, and we stopped at Cordele, GA. There was a Comfort Inn, a Wendy's, a WalMart and a car rental place just around the corner. I spent the evening making phone calls, but AAA didn't have any suggestions or approved repair shops nearby. The more I thought about it, I didn't like my options - Wednesday before Memorial Day, with no way to drive the last 300 miles to Orlando. Even if we found a repair shop, it didn't look like a quick fix was in the cards. I considered getting a rental, but usually they don't like you hauling trailers with their rentals. Besides that, I figured rental for four days, plus mileage would probably run over $1,000 - and I'd have to leave HUMom there to watch over the repairs. Not a good plan.

Plan B was for everyone to stay, which would mean we miss the convention altogether, and we have to pay for the hotel until the van is fixed. And, if the van isn't powerful enough to haul the trailer, I still have the source of the problem to deal with. Did I mention that the van has 110,000 miles? Hmmmmm. Plan B isn't looking too good either.

This made for a rather restless & sleepless night for me. The only repair shops we knew of were two dealerships, a Ford and a Chevy. Plan C started forming in my fevered brain.

At 8:00 we limped into the Ford dealership, and HUMom said "We are about to make someone's day" Three hours later, we drove off the lot in a new Expedition. HUMom is very happy. Three kids in the back are very happy, watching the DVD player. HeadsUpDad is trying very hard not to think about 7 years of payments, stretching out before him. Sigh.

Executive Functions

Executive functions like planning, initiative, problem solving, and more are so important to the success of every day endeavors. Those who have them appreciate the benefits but probably don't stop to think about them very often since they occur almost automatically and without a great deal of effort. But what about those who lack executive functions? They can be taught, but only through time-consuming methods that are often difficult to implement consistently. My son, who has a lot of raw ability, lacks many areas of executive functioning. His impulsivity, distractibility, and working memory issues override his higher cognitive processes, with the result that he is like an orchestra without a conductor. The musicians may all be talented, but if they are playing different songs at different times in different keys the result is neither impressive nor desirable. This must be true for so many who feel like they are underachieving and not living up to their own or others' expectations of them. How frustrating it must be to have people tell you how much you could do if only you would get your act together. Easy to say, but excruciatingly painful to someone who is not efficient when it comes to getting things done despite their best efforts. Such a person may spend ten times as long to get equivalent results as an individual for whom executive functioning comes naturally.

Late Again

My son just left at 7:33 for a class that starts at 7:30. He remembered the class, mentioned it to me 20 minutes before its starting time, and I reminded him that he should be getting ready to go soon. It is a 7 minute drive for him to get to the building the class is in. Add another few minutes to put his things in place and be ready to begin. Cognitively, he is bright. We have talked about planning ahead to get places on time. We have discussed the scientific impossibility of leaving home at 7:30 and arriving at his class at 7:30, and he understands it. It is not just this particular class, but any appointment when he has to be somewhere that he leaves home at the time he should be arriving at his destination. It does not matter what time of day it is, he is always late. We have given watches, planners, verbal reminders, and timers. Not one of these things has been effective in getting him places on time. His father and I have tried not reminding and prompting, to see if our son will become more independent and step up to the challenge of getting someplace (anyplace!) on time. No go. Truly. Nothing seems to make any difference. We are hoping for some new ideas, since our son wants to get a part-time job, but we don't know where he could work that doesn't involve showing up at a specified time and being on time.

Got patience?

I had the opportunity to speak at a homeschooling conference in Michigan over the weekend, and one of the questions I was asked was "How can you be so happy and continue working with such distractible kids?" I've had my share of discouragement and anxiety, and wouldn't think of myself as exuding happiness, yet I've found that the perspective I have makes all the difference to my contentment or lack thereof. I used to labor over teaching my AD/HD son, watching hours of my life go by as he managed to stretch a 20 minute assignment into a two hour assignment - again. His distractibility often pulled us both off course, and my need to accomplish certain tasks in a timely manner was repeatedly thwarted. The frustration was constant and intense. One day, as I reminded myself that Josh wasn't deliberately trying to drive me nuts (although he couldn't have picked a better method if he was) I realized that Josh really couldn't meet the goals that were set for him. His difficulty with schoolwork was obvious, but I realized for the first time that Josh couldn't even meet the goals he set for himself. He was constantly faced with disappointing others with his inability to comply with their agenda, and he was continually faced with his inability to complete even his own personal plans. As frustrating and exhausting as it was for me to try and work with Josh hour after hour, it couldn't be much fun for him when there were many other things he would rather be doing. Most of us would hurry to complete less enjoyable work if it meant we could then pursue more favorable activities. But Josh never did that. He couldn't do that. I had a moment of insight that helped me through the frustrations I felt so often when working with Josh. It was the simple thought "The only thing more frustrating than trying to teach Josh right now would be to BE Josh right now." That freed me up and gave me the extra measure of patience I needed to hang in there with Josh and not give up or take my frustrations out on him.

Standardized Testing

Recently my AD/HD daughter, age 13, took her annual standardized achievement test. The certified teacher who administered the test worried that my daughter was rushing through the subtests and although she was finishing with time to spare she was reluctant to go back and check her answers. She seemed to be answering impulsively, and was confident that she was doing well in every area. Despite repeated prompts to slow down a little and review her work in the time remaining for each subtest area, my daughter persisted in going at her rapid pace and only skimming through her answers to recheck them. I got the test results in the mail today, and the girl did great! In fact, these scores are the best she's had over the past few years. So maybe instead of trying to get kids like my daughter to perform the way we were taught to, we should accept their methods and find different ways to support them.

Forgetting

This week, my 13 year-old daughter had more than the usual number of "I forgot" responses. I think she really intends to do certain tasks, but if she doesn't do them at the moment she is thinking about them she forgets until they are brought to her attention again. Often, this occurs when we need to be heading out the door and she doesn't have the material she needs or the pets still haven't been fed or she didn't return a phone call and now there's not really time to do it. Earlier this week I was surprised to discover one of my daughter's friends in my living room. It's not unusual to have extra kids around the house, but this particular friend lives 4 hours away! My daughter had made arrangements through an email correspondence to have this girl come to our house for the day. Not only did my daughter forget to tell me about her plans, she herself forgot that her friend was coming that day. She basically lives forgetfullness as a lifestyle. When things like having a friend show up from out of town happen, it is a nice surprise for her. When she finds an overdue library book (and there are more of those than I want to think about) she thinks it's serendipitous because she can read it again. When the cat poops on the floor because the litter box hasn't been changed, she gets mad at the cat, even though she's been reminded to take care of the litter box repeatedly. I'll concede that there are definite advantages to living in the moment, but this frequent forgetting is happening at a time in my daughter's life when the stakes are still low. I worry about how she will do when she has more responsibilities. We've tried written schedules, visual charts, planners, verbal reminders, but she "forgets" to use them. I've thought about making it so that she has to take action as soon as something is brought up, because if there is a time delay she will forget. Somehow that seems a little disrespectful to expect her to drop whatever she's doing to do something else that needs done. Yet if I let her wait until she's finished with her activities, she's often moved on and become involved in something else and all other things have completely slipped her mind.

Our upcoming schedule

We are catching our breath and preparing for the busiest part of our conference season.

May 5 & 6, 2006 - Lansing, MI for the Information Network for Christian Homes (INCH) convention. HUMom will be presenting two workshops: Helping the Distractible Child, and When Socialization IS an Issue.

May 11-13, 2006 - Harrisburg, PA for the Christian Homeschoolers Assoc of PA (CHAP) convention. HUMom will not be presenting, mainly because they have no facilities for workshops, unless you hold them in your booth in the exhibit hall.

May 25-27, 2006 - Kissimmee, FL for the Florida Parent-Educators Assoc. (FPEA) convention. This will be our first year in Florida. We are very excited, but it is a very long drive for us.

June 22-24, 2006 - Columbus, OH for the Christian Home Educators of Ohio (CHEO) conference. Our own back yard. Didn't think we would get to speak this year, because I fell asleep and didn't get our response back in time, but a couple of spots opened up, so we will be doing two workshops.

We will also be in Chicago for the CHADD convention on Halloween weekend.

If you happen to be at any of these events, stop by our booth and say 'Hi." We will be glad to meet you.

Socialization for ADD/Aspergers/Autistic kids

We just got back from the Homeschooling conference in Indianapolis, where HUMom presented a workshop entitled "When Socialization IS an Issue." Kids with ADD, Aspergers, Autism, learning disabilities or just plain quirkiness often have difficulties relating to others on a social level. This can cause tremendous stress on the family and frustration to the parents as well as the kids.

HUMom suggested many ideas for helping to train social skills, such as role playing, identification of non-verbal communication, recognizing emotional cues, teaching through literature, rehearsal, using photos & videos to study social situations, games that work on social skills (Moods, Express Yourself, the Ungame, etc.) and social stories written together by parent & child. It was well received and there were many questions and good discussion afterwards.

Has anyone else discovered effective ways of training social skills?

Update: Current events

Sorry for the long absence.

Starting last August HUMom has experienced some drastic health problems, which resulted in extreme fatigue. We have been through four doctors, some medical procedures and many treatments & tests to try and find the cause. My neuro-typical daughter had wrist surgery and I had back surgery last week, so we have been having a swell time.

Wish you were here!

Anyway, "Anonymous" posted a comment & article on the last thread and one point stood out to me as an interesting topic. Namely, "Why is ADHD on the increase?"

The article's author maintains that there is no increase, rather we are systematically identifying and labeling children with these behaviors, thus the size of the group is growing because we are looking for them more efficiently.

While this may be partial explanation, I do not buy it totally. Here are two thoughts (not quite random) on the subject, to be expanded upon at some later date.

1) It has struck me that there appears to be a corrolation between the rise in ADHD and the Video generation. I grew up with arcade games Pong, Space Invaders, sitcoms, movies, which rapidly gave way to First-Person-Shooter games on the PC and DDR (Dance Dance Revolution). It is undeniable that hand-eye coordination is stimulated by such activities, but I wonder what effect they have on rapid-eye movement and brain chemistry. I have absolutely zero research to support or deny this idea, but it seems like a great coincidence to me.

2) There is much more scientific research and evidence to indicate a connection between ADHD and Autism, more to the point, that both conditions lie somewhere on a common continuum. The tremendous increase in occurance of Autism is proven fact, and closely follows the growth of manditory immunizations. I have read studies suggesting while vacines are not connected to this rise in Autism, the mercury derivitive used to extend the shelf life of vacines is extremely suspect.

When I get a chance, I will post links to some studies.

Are there any other theories out there?

Open Thread-ADD/ADHD

This is where we got started, and it seems that many, many people relate to the distractible child.
If you have questions or tips / techniques / advice, then here is the place to discuss them.

We're back

Well, we have now had a couple of weeks to recover from our travel schedule. This year has been our most ambitious for exhibiting at homeschool conventions.

Indianapolis, IN Feb 25-26
Frrederick, MD Apr 22-23
Worcester, MA Apr 29-30
Harrisburg, PA May 6-7 (HUD)
Ft Wayne, IN May 6-7 (HUM)
Lansing, MI May 13-14
Winston-Salem, NC May 26-28

We still have Columbus, OH in June and (finally) Dallas, TX in October!

I am still trying to get our website updated with all the new books & products we now carry. I will also put a link to this blog on the website. Hopefully that will get traffic up, and get us started.

Hello, and welcome

I have been intending to do this blog for some time now, but have been too busy to work on it with any concentrated effort.
My hope is not that HeadsUpMom and I will be here to answer all your questions & solve all your problems. Rather, my desire is that this would turn into a chatroom for people having to deal with special needs - in their own lives and their children's.

As we have traveled around the country, we've found that sometimes the best solutions come from "front line" people helping each other. The "experts" often are too far removed, or too myoptic, to see day-to-day realities.

As word gets out about this blog, and as posters refer & recommend it to others, we should build a community - a support group and a valuable resource.

To establish ourselves as something more than a couple of nutjobs, I will present our "bona fides."
HeadsUpMom (HUM) is a speech therapist (BS in education from Miami Univ., Masters from Ohio State University) with 20 years experience working alongside Occupational & Physical Therapists in an early intervention, preschool setting. We also have three children, two of whom have ADHD and Sensory Integration issues; they are aged 17, 15 and 12. We have homeschooled all three for their entire educational career. HUM is an author, speaker & workshop presenter.
HeadsUpDad (HUD) is an accountant & CPA. I also am ADD - diagnosed as an adult. I have learned everything I know about special needs from my wife & children.

That should be enough for now.

I commit this effort to my Lord, Jesus Christ. By His grace, I pray many will be helped.